I’ve been trippin’ lately – literally and figuratively. I’m also showing my age by saying trippin’, right?
I’m generally a positive person, I think. I definitely believe in The Secret, put out positivity into the world and it will come back to you and all that. I’m usually good for a few months and then I just have a meltdown. Said meltdown occurred last night.
I just feel like I’m failing a lot. Like I’m treading water and trying not to drown. I have so much to do and there’s not enough hours in the day to do it. Ultimately, I’m not getting everything done that I need to. I feel like I’m dropping the ball in every facet of my life – as a wife, a mom, a friend, an employee, etc. I feel like I’m just not living up to the expectations I have for myself.
So last night I just lost it. This was partly hormonally based, and partly because I had a rough night with Max, but the moment my husband got home from work, I was a blubbering mess. He was rightly confused and asked what was wrong.
“Everything!” I wailed. I proceeded to give him the run-down. One major concern that I have right now, that’s really weighing on me and is ultimately the source of this turmoil, is that I want to be the best mom I can be. Max is getting older and I feel like I’m missing valuable time with him while I’m at work. This is the only time he will be young, and I want to enjoy every moment I can with him. I try to cram it all in on the weekends, but I still feel like there’s all this time when I’m not there.
I’m sure that every working parent struggles with this. How much time is enough with your kid? Is he forever going to remember that mom was always at work? That mommy was often getting emails and having to constantly check her phone while she’s supposed to be playing? I don’t know.
I struggle with this a lot. So in addition to this struggle, I’m also feeling like I can’t keep everything else together. My house is never clean, I’m never caught up on bills, I never see my friends and my husband and I are often passing ships in the night, sharing the pertinent details of the day as one returns from work and the other heads out to work.
So this all came out last night. No “solution” was reached, but my husband did give me a lot of reassurance and the hugs that I needed. And he gave me a gem that I am hanging on to: “You are BLESSED. You may be stressed and feel like you can’t keep up, but you have an amazing and healthy son, family, friends and a good job. It may be hard to keep up with, but the alternative would be worse.” Damn, I married a smart man.
I woke up with puffy eyes and a headache. Things do look better in the morning, and I’m starting to feel better. I just have to let the un-important stuff go and focus on my blessings. And maybe something needs to change with our current schedule. Fortunately, I’ll have an hour and 45 minutes or so of “me-time” (my half marathon) Saturday morning to think about this.
On to the literal trippin’ that occurred. I’m wearing 5 inch wedges this morning – brilliant choice 2 days before a race, I know – and was carrying Max outside with me. I tripped on the floor mat in the garage and toppled over. I managed to keep Max completely upright and didn’t shake him at all. In fact, he laughed 🙂 But my big toe is a little jacked-up – that’s a medical term. Fortunately, all limbs, ankles and other necessary running body parts are intact. It was a little scary, though.
Anyway, now that I’ve poured my heart out, I’m going to face the day with a positive attitude and just relax. I’m also ripping my to-do list to shreds and focusing on my blessings today.
And eating LOTS of chocolate.